My 5 Biggest Fears
If I’m afraid, I Dare myself.
Many of you have reached out with questions about what motivated my Never Have I Ever DIY Detour Challenge. Honestly, it goes back to a story about fear. It goes back to when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
When you hear the words "You have cancer," you might imagine or may even know personally, how your world starts to spin out from under you. In the midst of a profound downward spiral, I worked to get a hold of my fear and anxiety, and decided to make a list of the five things I was most afraid of and address each one head on - I mean, I really had nothing to lose?! Here's my list:
Snakes
Heights
Guns
Cancer
Divorce
Cancer was the fear I obviously had to confront first, with all my might. (Both my mom and my grandmother had breast cancer, so this fear was one that had been lurking in the back of my mind.) I decided to face my cancer by researching all possible treatment options. I met with and talked to as many professionals across the country as I could gain access to, and identified a plan of action, which I executed fully. I did have the support of my former husband and excellent health care, and for that, I am so grateful to have had access to exceptional, world-class, physicians. Given my family history, I made the difficult decision to have a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery with Drs. Anne and Ziv Peled. My surgery was on the first day of quarantine during the pandemic, March 16, 2020. As you might imagine, being forced to move through recovery mostly alone was more isolating than I had anticipated. When I started to feel stronger, I worked hard to find ways to get outside in nature and really experience living, in spite of quarantine-imposed restrictions. This was when I decided to address my fear of heights. I went skydiving with my daughter in September 2020! And truth be told, I get a rush just thinking about this experience, even now. Talk about experiencing the profound presence and pure JOY! Nothing compares for me, except for the births of both my children.
The next fear I moved through happened unexpectedly. It was my fear of snakes. I was at a gathering in my friend Betsy’s backyard early in the winter of 2021. It was really cold so a couple of us stayed afterward to warm up inside. Betsy asked me if I wanted to hold Boots (who I thought was her cat). I was quite stunned when she came out with "Boots the Python," who is the most beautiful creature. I decided to hold Boots. She checked me out and wrapped around my arm. And then she raised her head and looked me in the eye.
And I was okay.
One of my greatest fears is the fear of guns. If you've been following me on Instagram you may have noticed recently that I've been pursuing a new sport — biathlon — which is a winter sport that combines skate skiing and rifle shooting. Biathlon has become my way of moving through my fear of guns. I’ve been training at Crosscut here in Bozeman and the first thing we had to do in order to participate in biathlon was to go through gun safety training, both in a classroom setting and then hands-on. Every time we practice in the firing range safety is of paramount concern, so I’ve felt really comfortable living through my fear and learning how to handle a gun. In this secure environment, I have recognized that it's the competent handling of a gun and knowing how to disarm it that has shifted my fear into confidence.
And finally, the fear I avoided for years - divorce. Moving through my fear of divorce has been quite a process over the past two years. I was married to my former husband for 26 years, dating him for six years prior, so we were together for 32 years total - well over half my adult life?! You see, I took my wedding vows very seriously. The unraveling of my family has been crushing at times but I know that I'm doing the right thing for myself. And I’m trying to do the right things for my kids. Without question, divorce has been the hardest thing I've ever had to move through, and I'm not through it yet, so stay tuned.
In my experience, a lot of women — myself included — avoid doing things because we are afraid. Fear holds us back. Interestingly, what I’ve observed is that this is not typically the same for men. Fear motivates men, rather than holds them back. This dichotomy is primarily because societally women and men have been psychologically wired this way. Shifting her mindset to face her fears is the motive behind Glennon Doyle's mantra: WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. By continuing to address her fears and share her experiences through her writing and the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, which she co-hosts with her partner Abby Wambach, Glennon is shifting our collective mindset and inspiring us to step out of our comfort zones, to Detour!
So what I’ve learned, what I am still learning, is that when I do things that push me out of my comfort zone and try things I've never done before, my energy is elevated. My resilience expands. My zest for life magnifies. I feel strong and confident.
When we choose to move through fear, we expand our resilience. When you are vulnerable and face hard things, you DO become stronger.
So my motivation for Never Have I Ever? Well, I realized this game IS Dare. And what I love about it is that it is an easy way to get started, to incorporate more new things in our lives, because let’s be honest, Dares can be scary.